The Seto Kaiba Ship Bashing Hour
by AvatarofBahamut
Summary: Seto Kaiba! You know 'em. You love 'em. And, the poor guy gets paired with just about anything that moves... seriously! DISCONTINUED. D:
1. Puppyshipping

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. And, I have a no flaming policy. **

**This fanfiction is rated T for ages 13 and up. It contains language, some suggestive humor, and some violence of various forms.**

**Author's Pre-Fanfic Notes: **

**Poor Seto Kaiba… he is a character a lot of us know and love. And, he's paired with practically anything that moves. If you are a person who hates a shipping, or looking for a good bashing, look no further. This is the SETO KAIBA SHIP BASHING HOUR! **

**I am only doing five for this fanfiction, and will be doing them one at a time. Also, most of these ships are quite common. I may have personal opinions about them, but, please, I mean no offense to anyone. I have nothing against gay people, Yaoi pairings or Yuri pairings, a couple of the ships I am bashing just happen to be Yaoi.**

**And now for the first victim… PUPPYSHIPPING! (For those who don't know- Puppyshipping = Seto x Joey (Jounochi (sp?) in manga and this fanfiction)).**

…

Seto and Mokuba were walking to the Blue-Eyes White Jet up on the roof of Kaibacorp. The sun was blazing brightly in the afternoon sky, and everything seemed peaceful. The two brothers had planned to take a trip up north to their vacation home in Hokkaido; they had deserved a break after what strange things had been happening.

Mokuba hopped into the back seat of the jet with an eager smile on his face. Seto was just about to climb in, when suddenly, he heard the door to the roof open, and a familiar, annoying voice rang in his ears.

"Kaiba! Wait!" It was Yugi's best friend, Katsuya Jounochi. He ran up to Kaiba, his expression was full of longing.

_What in the world does the blonde mutt want? And how did he get up here?_

"What do you want, Jounochi?" Seto asked. There was little patience in his tone. He started to notice something wasn't right with him. Katsuya getting closer and closer to him. Then, taking Seto by surprise, he embraced him and kissed him hard. Seto would have normally been able to push him aside, but the shock prevented him from reacting quickly enough.

"I want you, Kaiba." He whispered in his ear.

"What the f***, Jounochi!" He was then kept silent by another kiss.

Mokuba looked over the side to see his brother in a horrified state while in Jounochi's embrace. Seto little brother shrieked at the top of his lungs.

"Seto!"

Just then, a shout came from the open door.

"Jounochi, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Mai Kujaku had been close behind.

She swiftly grabbed Jounochi and ripped him away from Seto, and slammed him on the ground. Seto panted, and shook his head rapidly, trying to rid himself of shock and confusion.

Jounochi slowly rose to his feet. Mai slapped him in the face, leaving a red mark behind.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Mai don't you understand, I love Kaiba!"

Tears flowed down the female duelist's face. Her eye liner became mixed with the tears, causing black lines to appear under her eyes.

"No, you don't understand, I love you, Jounochi! And you've hurt me."

Seto quickly jumped into the jet.

"I'm sorry, Mokuba. This wasn't supposed to happen, we're out of here!"

The cockpit to the jet closed up, and they speedily took off.

"Kaiba!"

"Jounochi!"

Mai slapped him again. She turned around and slowly walked away, leaving Jounochi with a puzzled look on his face. He was to infatuated to know he did anything wrong, that Kaiba was not the love of his life, and that the love of his life was right in front of him all along.

…

**That's it for now, tune in next time to see the next ship to get bashed in…the SETO KAIBA SHIP BASHING HOUR!**


	2. Azureshipping

**Hello everyone, and welcome back to the SETO KAIBA SHIP BASHING HOUR! We trust you enjoyed our last segments. Reviews are always welcome for any segment, but remember, NO FLAMING! As you have noticed, I am using the original Japanese names of the characters, and… You are all probably wondering who our next victim will be…**

**Victim #2 is… Azureshipping! (Seto x Tea (a.k.a. Anzu))**

**One more quick note: The following scenario is the end of battle city, to make the plot more appropriate. Thank you!**

…

It was all over, Yugi thought. They had been fighting for so long, and finally the battle city tournament had come to a close. The world was once again safe from the clutches of darkness. But, for now, there was one particular thing on his mind.

And, that particular thing… was Anzu. He had a crush on her for a long time, although nobody had ever really suspected it (other than Yami, the spirit of the millennium puzzle), since she was also one of his best friends. Now he had the courage to go tell her how he felt.

He started down the hallway towards her room on the blimp. Everything seemed calm and serene. Until, suddenly, he heard a screech from down the hallway.

"OH MY GOD!" Around the corner dashed Mokuba, the boy nearly at his wit's end. He slammed into Yugi, and the two of them fell to the floor.

Two of Yugi's companions, Jounochi and Honda, heard the commotion and rushed to Yugi's side. Shizuka, Jounichi's sister, and Mai Kujaku saw the two of them and also came to see what was up.

Mokuba backed off of Yugi, his long black hair had been messed up in the collision. He panted, still stunned from whatever it was he was running from.

Yugi looked concerned as he slowly rose to his feet.

"Mokuba, are you ok?"

He offered out his hand to the little boy, and he gladly took it. Mokuba managed to stand up and explain himself partially.

"I'm ok, but Seto and your friend Anzu…in Seto's room… I couldn't believe it…"

"Something's wrong with them? We need to go check it out!" Honda declared.

"Right!" Everyone else agreed, and they started running for Kaiba's room.

"Wait! There's something else you need to know!" Mokuba hurried after them, trying to get them to stop and wait from him. But, they were soon at Kaiba's door.

"Wait…" Whispered Mokuba. Everyone feel silent. It was then so quiet, they could faintly hear voices in the other room.

"Shhh…" Everyone stepped back, then Honda and Jounochi put their ears to the wall.

"Seto-sama…"

"Anzu-chan…"

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

They listened for another minute or two. Jounochi noticed a peculiar look on Honda's face. One he only got when he had a hunch. And, from the hardness of his expression, whatever hunch he had was not a good one.

"So, what do you guys think is going on in there?"

Honda's face was grim. "It sounds… lovey-dovey. Like the two of them are making out or something…"

Everyone then had a similar expression, save for Yugi, who was horrified. Could the one he loved… love someone else? He didn't want to believe it.

Mokuba was next to Yugi. "From the way things were going in there, I would bet they're not just making out by now…"

A crushing despair came upon the young king of games. If what Mokuba said was true, then he'd lost… lost Anzu to Kaiba. Tears swelled and poured down his face like falling rain droplets.

Just then, the door to Kaiba's room opened, and out came Anzu. A few of the people dispersed, leaving only Yugi, Jounochi, and Mokuba.

"Hey guys, I…" She looked down to see Yugi.

"Yugi…what's wrong?"

He could see Kaiba at the end of the room, pulling on his black shirt. He then looked back at Anzu, and then, finally, he emotionally burst.

"What's wrong? What's wrong! Everything is what's wrong! How could you…"

Just before she could react, Yugi turned around, and sprinted back to his room, slamming the door behind him.

Kaiba had finished getting dressed and strolled out of the room.

Jounochi grabbed him by the shirt collar and shook him. Everything had become clear to him. He knew exactly why Yugi had been crying.

"Alright, Kaiba, spill it! What'd you do to Anzu!"

"Huh…I didn't do anything to her, mutt…"

Anzu came between the two of them, forcing Jounochi to let go of Kaiba.

"Listen…Jounochi…you don't understand. Seto and I…"

"…Had sSex, right? Don't try making sound like anything sweet. Seto, you bastard! You should have left your paws to yourself."

Jounochi took a breath before he continued.

"Anzu… you don't know the truth, do you honestly think he's the one for you? Or did you just let him have his way 'cause you were afraid? Well, one thing is for sure, you are not the friend I used to know… The Anzu I know… The Anzu your friends know… She wouldn't stand for crud like this."

He turned around and walk towards Yugi's room.

"Think about it, Anzu, is this what you really want?"

…

**Ok, that wasn't really the best way to end that segment. If anyone has any suggestions for upcoming segments, please let me know.**

**Tune in next time for the third segment of… the SETO KAIBA SHIP BASHING HOUR! Please feel free to review!**


	3. Rivalshipping

**Hello everybody! I'm glad you are enjoying things so far… I took me a little thinking to pick the next victim, but here it is…**

**Rivalshipping! (That's Seto x Yugi, right?)**

…

One day, at Domino High School, Seto Kaiba was sitting in his desk during recess, quietly reading a book. He heard a group of girls whispering behind him.

"What, he's gay! No surprise, he's kind of a creep…"

"I heard he molested poor little Yugi over there… Someone should say something about it." Seto turned his head in their direction. They saw him, and moved farther away. He then turned his attention to Yugi, who was sitting with his friends and having a good time.

How could have Yugi been molested? He seemed perfectly fine. Seto got up from his chair, and went over to the group of girls. The group gave him a sour expression.

"What? I heard you guys saying something bad happened to Yugi."

They looked at each other, then back at him.

"Like you don't know? Everyone knows YOU did it…"

Seto froze for a moment. Were these girls insane?

"I've never touched him! He's my rival! Who's been saying these things!"

"Bakura said he saw you pull Yugi into your limousine a week ago."

Ryou Bakura… He was one of Yugi's friends.

After school, Kaiba pulled Bakura aside.

"What the hell are you doing, telling lies to people!"

"Why, Seto! I just told people what I saw."

Seto was filled with rage. "NOT ONCE did I ever touch Yugi! I'm not gay!"

Bakura gave him a wicked smile. "Seto, you're as straight as a circle. C'mon, why haven't dated any girls yet?"

Then, he walked away. Seto thought to himself. "Although I am not gay, I must admit there's something about Yugi… Never Mind."

…

**I know that was lame. But, That's what I could come up with for now. Have a nice day! Feel free to review this segment or any other segment of this fanfic.**


	4. Seto x Marysue

**Ahem… I am sorry, but I made an error with the last segment. Seto x Yugi is Rivalshipping, not Prideshipping (that's Seto x Yami). I thank my reviewers for informing me of this. So, instead of five, I will bash six pairings (witch at the end will be the actual Prideshipping). If anyone wants me to do more, and has any suggestions on what pairings I should bash next, feel free to say so in your review. Again, sorry for the screw up, guys!**

**Victim #4 is…Seto x Mary-sue! **

**Quick, before I start, I am not one of those people who think all OCs are Mary-sues. In fact, I think most OCs are awesome (even some that are shipped with Seto). But, some people get really picky about what Makes a sue a sue. For this fanfiction, and when I judge other peoples characters, I go by the general definition: A self-insertion, all-around perfect chick (or dude) magnet, whose pretty much got god-like powers and everyone likes them.**

**For this segment, the mary-sues name is Josianna (Guess where that name comes from and win a free YGO Oneshot of your choice, seriously, post in the review. I am down on ideas and need help. Just don't ask me to do any Yaoi, ok? It's not that I don't like it, but, I'm not good at Yaoi except for making fun of it.)**

**Enjoy! ^_^**

…

It was a fine day in Domino City. Seto Kaiba was working at his desk. Mokuba was sitting on the couch, watching television. Everything was placid and serene, what could possibly go wrong today?

Just then, there was a gigantic BOOM! It came from outside, down on the streets. Mokuba ran to the window, and stared in amazement at the scene below.

There was a bank robbery taking place. The three robbers were just about to get away, when there was a heroine blocking their path. They gazed, mesmerized by the awesomeness of her exotic beauty. Her long waving pink hair stretched down to her ankles, her perfect aqua eyes glittered with intensity. The sun reflected of her sexy black secret agent suit as she held up her hand.

"Don't make a move, villains." She commanded. Then, the three robbers just laughed at her. What kind of chick was she, anyway?

She then put her hand to the ground, and yelled at the top of her lungs.

"Burst stream of destruction!" Suddenly, waves of electric currents sprouted from her hand, causing the robbers to become shocked.

At this point, Seto had stopped his work and also came over to the window. His nose bled slightly at the sight of the young women capturing the three crooks. She was indeed Sexy… He quickly grabbed a Kleenex to wipe off the blood.

Down below, the police had quickly arrived.

"Hey, secret agent lady, thanks for catching the crooks…" But, she quickly disappeared.

"That was pretty cool, huh Seto? That lady was something…"

Just then, he heard an arousing voice call his name. "Seto Kaiba, I presume."

He turned to see that very woman, sitting on his couch.

"How the hell did you get in here?" Seto demanded.

"Mokuba, is it? Could you leave your brother and I alone for a moment?"

As if hypnotized into obeying her, Seto's little brother went into the next room and shut the door behind him.

"What's going on? Who are you?" Seto insisted. The woman approached him casually.

"They call me…Josianna. But, you may call me Josie baby…I have a way with men, you know…"

"Don't call me that. I…" He quickly found himself locked in an intense kiss with her. He could not stop himself. His body and emotions were not listening to his intellect. At that instant, he wanted her bod.

"You like it, don't you?" She whispered as she pulled down his coat. Seto found he was slowly unzipping her suit, revealing what lay beneath. He kissed her neck.

"I do." He whispered in return. They then French kissed each other, each moment they became more intense with one another.

But, then, the dream-like state was broken by the sound of banging at the door.

"Mr. Kaiba! Please open up!"

"Oh no! I must leave!" Josianna broke away, quickly disappearing.

"Wait!"

Just then, Roland, Kaiba's bodyguard entered the room. Seto's coat was pulled half-way down, his shirt was untucked, and his fly was unzipped.

"Mr. Kaiba? What happened here!"

Seto came to the realization of what had happened, and quickly zipped himself up, tucked in his shirt and pulled his coat back on.

"Ummm…Roland? Could you please make sure nobody knows about this? Some girl was trying to seduce me, and then she was gone!"

He was partially lying, since he was only being seduced in the beginning.

"My lips are sealed, sir. But, if I may ask, do you know who this girl was?"

Seto smirked. "She said her name was Josianna."

…

**Well, that's not my best work, but, oh well! Only two more bashings to go. Remember, if you have any suggestions, or want this fanfiction to have more bashings, say so. Also, remember, guess what two names Josianna is composed of and win a free YGO Oneshot of your choice, seriously, post in the review. I am down on ideas and need help. Just don't ask me to do any Yaoi, ok?**

**Tune in next time for another segment of the SETO KAIBA SHIP BASHING HOUR! See ya then, folks!**


	5. Prideshipping

**I do not own anything, so help me! Who is victim #5… It is….**

**PrideShipping! (Seto x Yami) I decided to attack this shipping one chapter early, since I have this ingenious idea for it … If you want to know what will be in the next chapter, you'll have to read through this one, first! **

**Remember, no flaming!**

…

Yugi woke up slowly, rubbing his head as he felt the pain come rushing back to him.

The last he remembered, someone came up from behind him and whacked him on the head. Then, he realized he was in his own room. The spirit of the Puzzle sat by the window. He stared longingly at the night sky, almost in a dream-like state.

Yugi was puzzled by his friend's expression, especially when he got out of bed, realizing he was already in his pajamas.

"Yami, is everything ok?"

Yami turned to Yugi, and gave him a disturbing smile. He blushed madly as he gazed upward, licking his lips. Yugi took this as an obvious no.

"Ok, so everything isn't ok, then what the heck is going on?"

"Nothing, Nothing…Go back to sleep, Yugi…" He encouraged him. Yami's current state reminded Yugi of a drunken man. What had Yami done while he was unconscious?

Then he heard his cell phone ringing. He answered it, shocked to hear Kaiba's voice over the line.

"Hey, Yami? It's me again… I can't sleep…"

"Kaiba? How do you know about Yami? What's going on, here!"

"I want to talk to Yami!"

"Not until you tell me what's going on! I know something's wrong with me…er…him."

Seto chuckled. "I'm not sure you can handle it."

Yugi paused for a moment. Couldn't handle it? What the hell does he mean by that?

Yami floated over. "Is it Kaiba? Let me talk with him Yugi. You don't need to deal with him. Come on, ?"

"What is up with you, Yami?"

"Yugi, let me talk to him, now!"

"No, I won't let you! Not until I know everything!"

"Yugi….!" Said Kaiba.

"Shut up! I can't stand this!" Yugi screamed into the phone. He turned it off.

"Yugi, give me the phone!"

"NO!"

"NOW YUGI!" Just then, in a fit of rage, Yugi tossed his cell phone out the window. Yami ran to catch it, but it passed right through him, and fell to the street below.

It smashed against the hard concrete, breaking into several sharply scattered bits. This caused a roaring chorus of cats screeching and dogs barking, and a loud rustling in the trees.

Yami stood at the window, shaking. He turned to Yugi. "How could you!"

"How could I…? How could you keep a secret from me!"

"You wouldn't understand, you can't handle the truth!"

"Don't give that BS. I know something is going on between you and Kaiba, and I want to know what!" Yugi began to cry as he fell to the floor.

Yami huffed. "Fine…, If you really want to know… then I will tell you."

Yugi looked up.

"Yugi… Kaiba and I are lovers. I couldn't let you know, since you don't even like him. Heck, you're not even gay! We pre-arranged for you to be knocked out so he and I…"

He paused. "We wanted some time ALONE together."

Yugi's tears grew heavier as he screamed at his friend. "You allowed me to be hurt just so the two of you could screw each other! This is my body, Yami! You share it with me! But you were selfish! You just tossed me aside like a Kleenex, just for your own satisfaction!"

"Now, Yugi… you're taking this too seriously…"

"Taking it too SEROIUSLY? You're not taking it SERIOUSLY enough! What kind of Pharaoh are you? After what you've done… I don't think you deserve to regain your memories! You don't deserve to go to your final resting place! You deserve to exist here, knowing you'll never go home!"

Yugi removed his puzzle and sat as his desk. He slowly dismantled it, piece by piece, as Yami began to shift and fade. Yami howled.

"Yugi! Please! The whole world will suffer if you do this!"

"If you're not here, neither will the rest of what came with you, including the shadow games, nor all the things that came along with it, even exist."

As he separated the last two bits, Yami vanished, his spirit once again sealed within the puzzle. No more would he make Yugi suffer for his own pleasure.

…Three days later.

Seto Kaiba was at his house, typing on the computer, when Roland came in.

"There's a package for you, Mr. Kaiba!"

He took it, and unwrapped, gasping at what it contained.

Inside was the Millennium Puzzle box, with all the parts inside, the chain from which it once hung, and a small note, written what seemed to be red ink:

"You two deserve each other."

…

**Ah ha ha… That was a more darker piece, didn't you think so? Anyways, as promised in chapter 6, the final chapter, I will be explaining the choices I made for the fist five chapters, and add some ideas I had for pairings that didn't make the final cut. (They will just be Seto x {Person}, instead of using a formal nickname).**

**Plus, I will reveal my next Ship Bashing Fanfiction (Title, rating, Summary, and release date included).**

**Later, folks!**


	6. Silentshipping

**Attention! Because of recent demands from the readers, I've decided I am NOT doing the commentary chapter, and I am going to continue the Seto Kaiba ship bashing hour. **

**Anyways, At the request of a fan… Victim 6 is none other than… *drumroll* SilentShipping [Seto x Serenity (Shizuka)] ! **

Tristan didn't know how to take it. What should he say?

"How could she do this to him?" He thought.

He had been dating Serenity Wheeler for almost a year; he even told her he loved her. And then she just dropped him like a hot potato for some other guy! Who could have possibly stolen her away from him? Was he better looking? Was this some kind of a trick?

Tristan slicked back his hair and dressed in his red motor jacket. He had to go talk to her. Maybe he could fix things before it was too late. So, he hopped on his motorcycle, and was at her house in almost the blink of an eye.

But, when he knocked at her door, he mother appeared with a worried expression on her face. Tristan cocked his head to one side.

"Ms. Wheeler, you haven't seen Serenity have you?"

"I'm sorry Tristan, she said she was going to the park to meet someone, and she hasn't come home yet…" She started sobbing.

"I can go look for you."

"Would you?"

"Of course."

"You're one of her brother's friends, right? If you find her, please bring her home!"

Tristan nodded. "I'll bring her home, I promise!"

Tristan was gone in a flash, speeding down the road. She was probably with that new guy. Could he have done something bad to her? Did she lie to her mom about where she was?

The best thing he could do right now was assume she was telling the truth, and made his way to the park.

On the way there, he tried to think about who the other guy might be.

_Oh, Tristan, you know him! You don't like him very much though…_

He was someone he knew, but who could it be?

Just then, his cell phone started to ring. He pulled over and answered. Joey Wheeler's voice boomed from the speaker.

"Tristan! We've got a problem."

"I know, Serenity's gone missing. I'm heading to the park right now!"

"I'll meet you there; we can cover more ground together!"

"Got it!"

Tristan arrived at the park. Joey was waiting for him. In his fit of distress, he'd forgotten a coat and was shivering as he stood on the sidewalk. Mucus dripped down his nose as he glared at Tristan.

"Where were you?"

"Sorry, dude, it took me a while, ok?"

He handed Joey a tissue from his pocket. Joey blew into it, quickly discarding it into the garbage can.

"We'd better get a move on!"

"Yeah…"

And so, their search began. They called for her several times. They checked all the benches and in the bushes, but found no trace of her anywhere.

"Serenity! Where are you?"

"Yo, sis! It's me, your brother, remember? Mom's worried sick about you!"

One of the lamps was losing power, and before long, the light went out, making the park more dark and eerie.

"It's no use; she's nowhere to be found!" Tristan exclaimed.

Just then, they could hear rapid movement from behind a tree. The two of them looked at each other, passing nods of approval.

"Serenity!"

"Oh no!" They heard a feminine yelp from behind the tree. They rushed over, running around to see what was behind the tree.

Surely enough, it was Serenity who had yelped. Her shirt was slightly pulled down on one side, the slightest hint of a fallen bra strap poked from beneath her sleeve.

But she wasn't alone. Embracing her was none other than Seto Kaiba. The teenage CEO held her tightly in his arms, his cheek firmly pressed against hers.

"Joey…Tristan… I can explain!"

"Hey, Kaiba! What the hell do you think you're doing to my sis!"

"Shut up, mutt. We were having a good time until the two of you showed up!"

"Stop! Please don't fight! Why can't you all just get along! This is the decision I've made, you should be happy for me!"

"Serenity! You dumped me for Kaiba! How could you? He probably only wants to get in your pants!"

"That's not true! He loves me! At least he pays more attention to me than you ever did!"

She stood up and struck Tristan on the face. She quickly ran away as to avoid facing retaliation from her brother or even Tristan. Kaiba stood up, brushing the dirt off of himself. 

"You ruined this for everyone."

He went down the sidewalk after Serenity. Tristan stood there, heartbroken.

"Come on. We need to get Serenity. We need to kick Kaiba in his you know whats. We'll take you home afterwords, ok?"

Tristan started to cry. "I don't get it! What does he have that I don't?"

"Money, power, attitude, and a sexier bod. But don't worry, girls always fall for that. Besides, his dialogue sucks. But, if anything, it's definitely his bod."

"Who said that?"

The two of them stared up at the sky, dumbstruck by the sound of an anonymous voice coming from the atmosphere.

…

**I know, that one totally sucks. But, I didn't have any good ideas for this one! Also, remember I am open to requests now. And, I might as well tell you now…**

**Chapter 7 will be TabloidShipping (Seto x Mokuba- YAOICEST)**

**I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that one, but if you have any good advice, feel free to say so.**

**Until next time, farewell!**


	7. TabloidEuroShipping

**Hello and welcome back to the Seto Kaiba Ship Bashing Hour! Today we have not one, but two victims in this chapter! Why? Well, I said in this last chapter that I was doing Tabloid Shipping this chapter, but, since my idea was incredibly short, I decided to do two to fill up my pages.**

**So… the victims of Chapter 7 are… *drumroll* Tabloid Shipping (Seto x Mokuba) and Euro Shipping(Seto x Ryo Bakura- the good one). **

**Tabloid Shipping:**

Seto took one look at Mokuba. He then went into convulsions at the very thought of molesting him. Mokuba had no idea what was going on, so in the end, they both had to go see separate therapists. But then Seto had to switch to another one when it was learned he was bonking his (if you know what THAT means- she was female, after all…). *

**Euro Shipping:**

Seto sat on a park bench, quietly reading his newspaper. Mokuba was over playing by the swings quite merrily. As Seto sipped his coffee, he heard a rustling coming from the bushes. He also heard a quiet humming, a small voice he knew all to well.

"La la la, la la leeeeeeeeeee, laaaaaaaaa laaaaaaaaaa la di daaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"You again?"

A big bundle of bushy white hair popped out behind him. Ryou's smiling face annoyed Seto. But he could not help but find it amusing. His almond eyes sparkled like giggling sprites dancing in the sunlight.

The elder Kaiba rolled his eyes at his new boyfriend's nakedly joyful expression. Ryou ignored him as he pecked the back of his neck.

"Hey!"

"What did I do now!"

Seto glared at him. "You know I did like being taken by surprise you moron!"

"But Seto, how can you not be happy on such a beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful day?"

"Easily," He replied, "I have work to do."

"Can't it wait, honey?"

"Don't call me that in public! Do you want people staring at us?"

"Mayyyyyyyybe." Ryou said sheepishly. Seto closed his laptop. He shook his head.

"If you keep this up, I'm gonna dump you faster than a hot potato, got it?"

"Yes Seto…"

Ryou hesitated. "Would you hold me?"

"Now? In public, no! Don't you get it Ryo? We can't be seen together in public!"

"People should deal with their own prejudices!"

Seto sighed. "It's not just that, Ryo. You're part of Yugi's crowd. They don't know we're both a couple of fairies. Well… they might think you may be. But I'm the manlier of us both! If Yugi saw us together, he'd never let it up! I'd be humiliated for the rest of my life!"

Ryou began to sob. "Oh, you hate me!"

"No I don't…"

Ryou began sulking as he sat next to Seto on the bench.

"C'mon, real men don't act like that Ryou."

"Who cares? I never was a 'real' man anyway! How are you able to be so …er… Manly, anyway?"

"Easy, considering the life I've had. My step-father was a bastard who treated me like dirt and made me into a cold hard monster. Not to mention I have every teenage girl and their sister lusting after me, and I'm the best duelist. That is pretty manly."

"Ummm, what's so manly about girls lusting after you?"

"I don't know, straight guys sure think it's important."

Ryou took a deep breath. "Yeah, they're kind of crazy, ya know!"

Ryou spread out his hand and a small bird came to rest on top of it. He hummed to the tune the bird was singing, almost like a princess in a fairy tale.

Seto was not amused by this at all.

"Would you please stop singing? That's not manly, either!"

"But the bird's song is so pretty Seto."

Seto rolled his eyes.

"I love you, Seto."

"Ryou…"

Just then, Ryou took him by the shirt collar, pulled him down, and kissed him unnecessarily hard. It was just long enough for Mokuba to catch a vague glimpse of it. At that point, he came running over to see what was going in.

Before he could really tell what was going on, Seto quickly pulled back from Ryou. He gently slapped him on the face.

"If you EVER do that again, I will skin you alive!"

"Ok Seto, see you later, big booooooooooy!"

Mokuba stared at Ryo skipped happily down the sidewalk to a Taxi waiting on the street.

"Li la la la la dia da dia dia dia da da da da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"Ummm, Seto? What was Bakura doing here?"

Seto blushed. "Nothing! Absolutely nothing! We're going home now!"

So the two of them got in the limousine and sped away.

**That one was kind of lame. But, no matter! There will probably not be another Chapter like this again. So, don't expect me to do so. Also, Victim 8 will be Trust Shipping (Seto x Ishizu). If anyone has suggestions on a way to do this, let me know. In the mean time, I am still taking requests. **

**I have a no flaming policy. Also, I know I've done a Seto x Mary-sue. But, I know there are a lot of fangirls who ship themselves with the man. I thought maybe I would bash this by having a parody of myself and Seto as a pairing. (I would have a different name and other related things of course, for safety reasons… but the general stuff would be the same…) But if you think that is a horrible idea, please let me know.**

**Stay tuned for more Ship Bashing!**


	8. NueroShipping

**Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's The Seto Kaiba Ship Bashing Hour! Now it comes with all new episodes, and a brand new feature. Well not really.****Our next victim is… *drumroll* Seto Kaiba x Myself! [Witch I have dubbed Neuroshipping!] (The author…Me!) Of course, due to security issues, I can't use my real name, so I have to use an identical sounding name instead! Please enjoy the bashing.**

***Fade Out ***

…

Rain was pouring down relentlessly on Domino City. Thursday evenings were usually quiet and serene. Most people had left to go home.

But Seto Kaiba knew better than to leave just yet. For the past week and a half, someone had somehow been able to get into his office, and leave him a bag of sugar coated dark chocolate balls, sometimes with a sappy love poem attached to the string.

Most of the time, he just gave the chocolate balls to Mokuba, since his little brother loved chocolate. He simply threw the poem away after reading it. Although, the last time he found them on his desk (earlier that day) he actually tried one of them himself.

It was awfully sweet at first, with a slight bitterness to it, possibly even a burnt texture to it. But, it wasn't half bad. Whoever was doing this had caused no harm yet, but he was curious to know who had been doing this.

As he sat there in his comfy leather chair, he recalled the latest poem that had been left with the chocolates.

"Toss it aside, as you would have me

Each day I give you a taste yourself.

Sweet outside that brings such glee

But bitterness despite your wealth.

Who am I to say,

You have lost your way…

All I ask of you,

Is for even a second…

you would love me too."

_What a load of bull…_ He thought as his eyes began to droop. _Who is this idiot? It's probably just one of the other workers playing a trick on me… or its ones of Yugi's friends… but they don't know how to get in. Whoever…_

Kaiba slowly faded into sleep. His dreams were in the calming dark, he felt as if he was just floating on top of the open ocean, feeling the rays of the sun. A faint voice was singing in the background, pure and clear.

_Dream a dream of me…_

_What is dream but a mystery?_

_I'm not you, but I think I know_

_What's like to be torn apart_

_So damaged you cannot live…_

_The life you want to lead…_

He felt something soft gently rubbed his hand, and heard a slight crackling sound. Kaiba slowly awoke, but he could still hear the soft singing.

_You are my soothing song…_

_You are the ache in my heart…_

_I know that's its wrong…_

_And it's tearing me apart…_

_Tearing me apart…_

He then heard a whisper. "Do I dare?"

Someone gently kissed his hand, and then his eyes shot open. He saw a small hand over his own. Kaiba moaned.

"Who the hell are you? And how did you get in my office?"

"Bobbie Pin!" The voice belonged to a girl, just barley younger than himself.

He saw a black pin on the desk.

"That old trick actually works…"

A little dazed, he looked into the girls face. Her hair was a blondish- brown, her eyes were a soft hazel, and her skin was very pale. She was dressed in simple clothes: A black polo, grey polyester pants, and purple-black shoes.

"My name is Jo. Um… you don't really know me. I just work as an errand girl for the VP. I… was also a finalist in the America Grand Prix Tournament… you beat me by a hair if I remember correctly."

"So, I take it your some kind of stalker now, huh?"

She shook her head. "No, no. I just leave the chocolate balls every evening and go on about my business."

"You a crazy fangirl, then?"

"A FANGIRL? How insulting! If I were a fangirl, I would have jumped your bones a week ago."

"Really?" Kaiba said, pretending to be intrigued. Being a socially inept girl, Jo did not pick up on this. She actually thought he was being serious.

"Yeah, the fangirls talk about bonking you all the time."

"What about you?"

Seto Kaiba sat up now, staring at her intently, to purposely make her feel intimidated. Jo tried her best to look him in the eye, still not picking up on any of his body language. This struck Seto as being quite odd.

"I would, but it's against my moral values, and my religion, and if my parents found out, they'd kill you and then ground me for life after beating the crap out of me."

She felt herself itching to drool. "But sometimes, I think about it too much you know?"

"Do you think I'd honestly care about what your parents thought? Or… do you think I would care what you felt?"

"Nope. That's why I keep my distance and just give you chocolate balls. They might sweeten you up…"

"Are you one of those people who thinks I would have major attitude adjustment if I just got laid?"

"Pretty much. And by a virgin, no less!"

"Oh, you're a virgin, then?"

"Yep."

"Well, why don't we make a bet then?"

Jo raised an eyebrow. "What kind of bet?"

Kaiba smirked. "Simple. You come with me to the Amore Noir tomorrow night…"

"That's a Love Hotel, right? Those things the Japanese invented here in Japan so… well… you know… Privacy-des(u)?"

"Gee, you're dumb aren't you?"

"I am NOT dumb! I'm just checking to make sure I know what you mean ok?"

"Whatever, anyway, we'll have sex. If I DO have an attitude adjustment within the next 24 hours, you can be my new girlfriend. I'll even give you the opportunity to ear my trust."

"Wouldn't that break the promise you made to your brother?"

"How'd you know about that?"

"I asked him, duh! He's a nice kid; you should pay more attention to him and stop telling him to shut up all the time!"

"Anyway, it doesn't matter. Because I never lose…"

"Except to Yugi…"

"I hate you already… Anyway, If you lose and I don't change, you have to quit your job and leave Domino City forever."

"Awesome, you're on. Either way, I'll win. If I win, I get you as my cool boyfriend that I can show off to all my peers. If I lose, at least I won't have to put up with you _Screw the rules I have money_ attitude."

"See you tomorrow, sweety!" He said mockingly.

"You too, darling!" She rebuttled.

**What happened next (in a nice summary, as to keep the fanfiction at PG13):**

Well, they did go to Amore Noir, and did you know what…But Seto lost the bet right away. Because… she pretended she hated him afterwards, when she really still liked him a lot. Why did he lose? Because we all know how reverse psychology works!

Now, Kaiba is part of Jo's Bishie Harem… and if he's bad, Jo gets Marik to lend her the Mellenium Rod to make him behave… in more ways than one…

**Man, I love Bashing Myself! I didn't know it would be so much fun! I hope I did better on this one. Anyways… In our next episode…**

**EDIT: Actually, there isn't going to be a next episode because this fanfiction has been discontinued. I am working on some major projects and a lot of things have changed since I last updated. So, I guess this is goodbye... *sad face*  
**

**Merry Christmas!**


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